Ok, Mandalorian, but what if it isn’t?!!
What if it’s just YOUR way, and my way is something else? Even if I’m not totally sure what that is yet?
I have a client (ok, many clients) who wishes that they could JUST KNOW. “I wish that I felt some conviction. My partner/friend/roommate is so sure of themselves. They are able to make proclamations and decisions with such clarity.” Perhaps feeling the need to make knowing proclamations is an effort to seek or present some sense of security that’s not actually felt? Which is understandable, but I would love to promote the idea that security can be found in sharing that we don’t know, or we don’t know yet, and that’s ok.
”We are all just out here trying to figure things out.
We all have insecure parts that are uncertain, and that long to know. Being unable to accept that we don’t know can be a really painful state, but feeling confused or lost at times is totally normal and, I would argue, a completely worthy and worthwhile way of being in the world. We are all just out here trying to figure things out. Sometimes we land on things that feel real for us, a lot of times we are being bobbled around by the passing storms (or worse) that cause our compasses to go all wonky.
I often feel compelled to respond to the parts of clients that want me, as the therapist, to know–to give them the answers.
I am noticing that it feels vulnerable to admit to you that I don’t always know, which is interesting: there is a part of me that believes it’s ok not to know, and there’s a part of me that’s worried that if I tell you I don’t know, you’re going to go somewhere else to try to find someone who does.
It’s also hard for me not to buy into this idea that There Must Be An Answer Out There.
My colleagues and I often lament that we will never know enough to truly help people, that there’s always another training, another piece of wisdom that we obviously have to pay thousands of dollars to be inducted into. And a part of me finds it confusing, because there certainly are bodies of knowledge that I find very worthy of the cost, time, and effort that they require. I guess I just wonder if it will ever be enough? And am I allowed to be a good enough therapist, and to be in the not-knowing alongside my clients?
Capitalism, am I right?
And let’s face it: People Who Know are often cult leaders! I often feel like anyone who claims to know must be trying to sell me something. That, or they just think they know, and then next week will come along and blast them sideways and they’ll be right back to not knowing all over again.
I have also had people tell me they know things about me, and man, talk about rubbing me the absolute wrong way. Nothing quite as grating as that. (I love you, but stop it. That’s your stuff. Get that off me.)
And there have absolutely been times in my life when I wanted or felt I needed someone outside of me to tell me they know me, or know things about me that I am struggling to know or understand (Hi astrology and psychic obsession!) There are parts of me that want so deeply to be seen and known by someone else. This is such an understandable desire, and it can also be terribly dangerous to seek that in someone outside of ourselves, because it gives another person power over us, and no one should have that but us.
I am curious how it is for you. How do you deal with being in a state of suspension or not knowing? Do you find it’s something you can live with, or do you do everything you can to get away from it? What are you afraid would happen if you just allowed it to be here?
Here is to not having all the answers, and sometimes not even knowing which questions to ask…
